Friday, June 19, 2009

Meet the Family!!

Talking about memories, we all have our share. Most of these are filled with some fantastical characters. Some stay in memory longer than your first ‘boo boo’, while some vanish to return. I still remember my first math teacher. She was this scary bespectacled old gal, who for some reason is faceless in my memories. All I remember is I once pissed in my pants because I didn’t do her homework. Since that day, I have never done well in mathematics. Every time I watch Species, the alien somehow looks familiar. Since we have got down to typecasting people, there are a few people I’d like to name on my side. Like my first cousins. I owe a large part of this miserable life to them. Being the youngest kid in the family , I have been bullied a lot. This is my chance to get back at them. So here go-r-es.

MY eldest cousin would be ‘The Agony Aunt’. She is my eldest sister. That’s not my only trouble; I have two more sisters ‘Goody two shoes’ and ‘The Doc Ock’. So you know that I had to think a lot for this. They will have an opinion on everything I do…most sisters do. But she always has the better idea. This sometimes pisses me off. Agony aunt is mostly the one who keeps tabs on me. She can do that with a family on the backburner. Its like tossing dosa on the pan and going off to watch tv. If I am ever caught slacking, she will have that tone that will make me guilty and stupid at the same time. “Goody two shoes’ is the more cheerful of this sista triad. She has been adventurous and pretty outgoing. That’s not good if you think it is. Because everytime you tell her one of your adventures, she sounds like she’s been there done that. This is a tad disappointing after you think that you’ve done something really cool. “Doc Ock’ is the coldest of them all. She’s smart and a sassy mouth blessed with great brains. I slip a step and she’ll put me down with the ease of a pro wrestler. Not to say that she used to weigh like one… once upon a time. I can actually hear the ‘snap’ when she snaps at me. If that wasn’t enough she actually is smarter than me, and thinks up of a repartee faster than I can. No wonder she does not date a lot.

The guys are pretty easy. That’s cos most of them are like me…losers. The first boy could be “The Guru’. He is about a decade older than me. Being the brother to the agony aunt, he has grown to be easy and cool; though he did not grow so much. Add to that a weird likeness to Matt Damon, makes him look older than he actually is.He is alos the only guy who can answer the phone saying 'hari om'. He is followed, in chronology of course, by ‘The Thing’. Now this douche bag is someone I think has potential to be something really cool or really wicked. He is stingy enough to make Ebenezer scrooge look like a gentleman. Add to that a voice that is rougher than BMC cement roads and a Kevin Kline moustache. He definitely isn’t HQ material.

The others are what I’d cal my ‘SWAT’ team. If I am in trouble these are the guys I’ll go to. They are three in all, Led by the inscrutable ‘Iceman’. I actually was thinking of something else but that would be taking things a bit too far. This is one guy who’s smoother than butter on marble, faster than amy winehouse in a Ferrari, and taller than me… that’s all I’d say. Oh I hate his guts!! He’ll catch your blooper from a mile. He’ll call me ‘kutti’ when I tell him He is followed by ‘The Geek’. It’s a cliché, but the name suits the guy. He is my fall guy. Sweet kid, too much brain, not very current know how, academic and a complete techno freak. He can open your computer to its bits and pieces and tell you about every component even if you don’t want to know. He’ll make it a point to call you about a new course when you are planning your vacations. But you want a guy to talk to, just talk to… he’s the one. The last one of the ‘SWAT’ team is ‘Fatso’. The guy is almost my age. He is balder, fatter and much less charming. If you happen to meet him, he’d be like this big, fat teddy bear with a lisp. He speaks like an overgrown two year old. This makes it very difficult when you are actually arguing with him. He can smile like Bruce Willis in ’12 monkeys’. Making you wonder if that is how much better his face can get.

Now that you’ve met everybody in my family. You should also, I think its time, know the narrator. That’s me. I am called ‘Shorty’. Now you know what these guys will be thinking when they read this blog ( they will…I am forwarding this to them. How’s that for a death wish). I know its too filmi, but I couldn’t help it. “Get Shorty”.

8 comments:

Agonized uncle said...

Hope Agony Aunt's husband has a better image :)

Psycho pras said...

hey dude, u did'nt mention the so called parents of all these characters as this wud have surely spiced it up..........

Aarti said...

:-) hey shorty, how about the uncles.. they have a place in teh family.. and what about miss ShrewTy.. hee hee hee.. wonderful read..

Anonymous said...

Very nicely written piece. Keep up the honesty ;-)

-Arekh

Prashant said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prashant said...

couldnt figure wat should one write in his/her blog... this should b a gooood strt...n yaa.. u cud add up Gju, Arekh eyyatan n usha into this... tht wud almost in a manner complete this story..

way 2 go KUTTI :)

Prashant

Usha.K.Narayan said...

Clever way to vent- you may just have found a small bit of the joke telling style that the masterful PL Deshpande had. Use of the most curious, subversive humour to stay awake and maybe even wake.

Roshan said...

Wonderful post! Appreciate the way it has been written. Absolutely brilliant. I loved it!