Thursday, January 27, 2011

Pakda pakdi

Child beggarImage by Julien Lagarde via Flickr

The night waited stilly on me. It was an old habit of an old friend. I watched the mail trains speed past breathlessly across the tracks. The digital indicator ticked slowly second by painful second. I sucked on the last embers of my smoke stick and waited. My mind had not yet awoken, my heart was not yet asleep.

It was an old habit which had lost touch with me. These late night walks were my source of mental exercise. My thoughts just can’t refuse at the sight of an empty street. They start running at breakneck speed, but in a more clear and organized way. Like runners In a parade. I sat there watching trains run across parallel tracks snaking into the dark neverland. The station was dotted by a couple of beggars, who had dragged their tatters over their head to fight the night cold. The only other noise which punctured the chilling air was the squeals of a couple of kids running around the platform.  These little tykes ran around the cement seats making noises enough to make the sleeping constable grumble. I smiled. There is something liberating about childhood.

One of the kids walked up to me and stood near my seat. I looked up from the smoke and smiled at him. He looked like he had a question to ask, but just smiled. He would have been 6-7 years old. His ragged half pant was green, but had begun to turn into an imperceptible colour. The hair was black fading to brown. He was missing two teeth in the front, and the stains of his last vada pav were still visible on them. He smiled again. ‘Kya chahiye be?’ ‘Ap yaha kya kar rae ho?’ he asked.  ‘aise hi…Tu kya kar raha hai?’ ‘hum log khel rahe hain’ By now the remaining kids had gathered round.  They were playing pakda pakdi. I remembered the last time I had played the game. I was 10 and the smallest kid in the building. I never managed to catch anyone, so I gave up on playing.

I trundled out of the station by 1. The kids were running around on full steam. They didn’t look like they sepnt a day on 3 vada paavs and a cutting. They were smiling, laughing, cursing. I looked at them living their childhood. Free. Free from studies and tuitions. Free from school. Free from thoughts about a career. Free from parents looking to mould them into future investments. Free from fear. But then I looked at them again. Perhaps, this is the only freedom they have. As children. Soon they too will grow up. And the chains will rattle again. life will again chase them, hunt them when thy hide and vanish when they look for it.... Pakda pakdi
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I am a million thoughts
Bound by unborn expressions
Woven without a seam.
The undignified youth 
With a corrupted dream;
 Uncouth, vague, undefined;
Volatile, dull, unrefined.
The last of the best
The best of the worst,
The blessed sinner, the gentleman accursed

I am
Empty thoughts traveling on rattling trains
Getting up and down at crowded stations;
Whatever is, will be and has been
the sight beyond, the unseen.

I am
The surprising birth, the unexplained death
The beating heart, the fatigued breath.
Love lost, found and lost again
The broken heart stitched together in pain.

I am
The answer to a million mysteries
Never found never looked for
The questions raised by years of history,
Plague, sickness and war

I am
A million people speaking together at once
Gathering at crowded malls and marathon runs
I was and always will be
I am and forever will be.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

A lot like Love.

Heartbreak in StereoImage via Wikipedia

A simple conversation with a friend got me thinking about myself. The conversation was about relationships, more specifically the eternally complicated concept of love. Now, I am not the most expert orator on this thing, but it did get me thinking about my past, my relationships and people I have lost over time. Strange thing is I never thought I would remember them. Every time these memories come along, they bring with them a familiar pain. Numbing, dull and one that takes the wind out of your lungs. Nothing you do, will help you get over it. Get over it – familiar term. Reminds me of every one of those moments when my friends say ‘You’ll get over her.’  And I nod. Stupidly.

Can you ever get over someone? Can you just walk around forgetting a crush, heartache or a relationship? I don’t think so. These are memories. Not photographs; to burn and throw down the toilet bowl to flush. These are tattoos across your soul. You can’t remove them without causing permanent damage to yourself. I know. I have been there and been unsuccessful. Very. The pain is often unbearable. Sometimes it feels like you can’t breathe and every gasp of air feels like flames entering your lungs. Everything dulls in front of your eyes and the world seems fading away. But you don’t die. You live the pain again. For as long as you can; till you forget what life without the pain was like.

But pain is good sometimes. It tells you if what you lost was worth having.  If all those moments that you filled your life with were worth their little pleasures?  And they are. Like pleasant accidents you never plan. All you can do is experience them. I laugh at people who plan so much to fall in love, but try to ‘get over as soon as they are hurt. They forget ‘being in love’ is more pleasing than ‘falling’ in love. Yes, it hurts. Like the first ciggie. Like the first gulp of whiskey on an empty stomach. It burns. It fills your lungs with hot air. But you wouldn’t give that pain away for anything. Addicts are not invulnerable to hangovers and the pain of the substance. They are aware of it, but they do it for that one singular moment of incomparable pleasure. Where nothing else matters. I know this is a bad example, but you get it.

Call me a fool, a romantic or just a deranged drunk babbling; but I am in love. And I will always be. It is the most beautiful feeling you can experience. In fact that is the only way you can exist. All you can do is go through life sharing that love and hoping to god, someone does the same with you. That is all there is to it. If it hurts, let it. Wasn’t I born of pain, and shall I not die of it? i wouldn’t give up those memories for pleasure or comfort. And that is why I love, and live. J

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Sunday, January 02, 2011

11 for 2011!

I was planning on not having any resolutions this year, but I hate to live life without something to look forward to. So I gave it a thought. After three cups of coffee to cure the hangover, and a run throough my last writings, I jotted down a list of things I would like to do this year. So here are things I look forward to in 2011

1.Gain Weight
There once was a time when I was fat. Unbelievable but true! Now I could star in one of those ads against anorexia. So I want to gain weight again. It would be nice if I could actually take off my shirt and not have my pants fall off! :P

2. Get a tattoo
Now this has been a lifelong dream. I still haven’t decided on the design I want, but I really want it at the back of my head (which I am gonna shave). At 24, its now or never!!

3. Mend relations with dad.
I was thinking of putting this on the top of my list, but then I would be lying to myself. And putting this below no2, creates a conflict of irony as always.. So lets see if I manage both..

4. Start Investing (Take Responsibility)
This has been my bane. I cannot handle money, nor do I care about it. But all evidence points that I need to move in the opposite direction. I have started reading on certain investments and really have begin to believe in the role of aliens in the shaping of our civilization. Who the f@#k understands these things?

5. Call everyone who doesn’t remember me
Everyone has a bad habit. Well, I got them all. But losing touch with them takes away the fun. So this year, I am going to start calling everyone who hates me. It might take me the whole year, but I just miss those awkward conversations

6. Stay sober more often
I know I know…. I am on it... The lesser said about it the better.

7. Spend lesser time on FB
I am beginning to get annoyed by this trend of social networking. I intend to start using my phone on a more regular basis. Hopefully! Damn you Zucker- berg!!

8. Get my ass on the road!
 Trust me, I have been on my share of trips(hic), but a road trip is the least immoral, unethical and uncomplicated of the lot. Remains my dream and something I hope to accomplish this year. Hopefully to the Himalayas.

9. Get back to ABC…
One target for this year, remains getting my MA degree. There is nothing more important and necessary for me and needs to be taken care of ASAP.  Let me start by putting it on this list (at least I’ll have mentioned it! :P )

10.Spend more time at home
Something I have not done enough last year.  Can I hear an aww cho chweet? ;)

11.Start writing more often
Going with the 2011 theme, my 11th thing to accomplish this year would be to write my blog more often. This is difficult, being that I spend my whole day writing. But I really miss those creative exercises and hope I start writing shit like I used to. Nothing makes me feel better in the morning like the smell of pissed on paper :D

So have fun reading, cos I gotta get working on the list.. ciao.