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A simple conversation with a friend got me thinking about myself. The conversation was about relationships, more specifically the eternally complicated concept of love. Now, I am not the most expert orator on this thing, but it did get me thinking about my past, my relationships and people I have lost over time. Strange thing is I never thought I would remember them. Every time these memories come along, they bring with them a familiar pain. Numbing, dull and one that takes the wind out of your lungs. Nothing you do, will help you get over it. Get over it – familiar term. Reminds me of every one of those moments when my friends say ‘You’ll get over her.’ And I nod. Stupidly.
Can you ever get over someone? Can you just walk around forgetting a crush, heartache or a relationship? I don’t think so. These are memories. Not photographs; to burn and throw down the toilet bowl to flush. These are tattoos across your soul. You can’t remove them without causing permanent damage to yourself. I know. I have been there and been unsuccessful. Very. The pain is often unbearable. Sometimes it feels like you can’t breathe and every gasp of air feels like flames entering your lungs. Everything dulls in front of your eyes and the world seems fading away. But you don’t die. You live the pain again. For as long as you can; till you forget what life without the pain was like.
But pain is good sometimes. It tells you if what you lost was worth having. If all those moments that you filled your life with were worth their little pleasures? And they are. Like pleasant accidents you never plan. All you can do is experience them. I laugh at people who plan so much to fall in love, but try to ‘get over as soon as they are hurt. They forget ‘being in love’ is more pleasing than ‘falling’ in love. Yes, it hurts. Like the first ciggie. Like the first gulp of whiskey on an empty stomach. It burns. It fills your lungs with hot air. But you wouldn’t give that pain away for anything. Addicts are not invulnerable to hangovers and the pain of the substance. They are aware of it, but they do it for that one singular moment of incomparable pleasure. Where nothing else matters. I know this is a bad example, but you get it.
Call me a fool, a romantic or just a deranged drunk babbling; but I am in love. And I will always be. It is the most beautiful feeling you can experience. In fact that is the only way you can exist. All you can do is go through life sharing that love and hoping to god, someone does the same with you. That is all there is to it. If it hurts, let it. Wasn’t I born of pain, and shall I not die of it? i wouldn’t give up those memories for pleasure or comfort. And that is why I love, and live. J