Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Knotty Days are Here Again

South Indian couple to be wed holding a fruit,...Image via Wikipedia

So the day I dread has finally arrived. And my generation stands on the cusp of marital woes...I mean whoas. Iceman, the coolest among us cousins has decided to take the plunge. I am, as always in awe of people who decide to take each other in sickness, psychotic frenzies and even PMS moods. I know I could never do it, and I am glad that they can. But marriages are a big time. There are family gatherings, discussions on clothes, food, and location, location, location. Bookings are made in advance, RSVPs sent out and apparels put together in hurried fashion. Of course, this is a occasion for the special couple. But who gives a damn about them! They are gonna be so exhausted smiling. The cameras need to focus on the guests. Yours truly had once said that families are the mafia of the middle class and I stand by it. So I am gonna take some time to tell you what I dislike (hate) about marriages.

For Elders(Anyone over 40..yeah.. the limit fell)

The worst thing people do in a marriage is pass comments about the quality of food, decorations make up or even the air conditioning. Don’t do it. You did not pay for it. Be grateful that you were invited.

Give the groom a break! Poor guy is already up to his neck with worry. As an elder, do not take this opportunity to subject him to the same torture and boss over him like your elders did. So Not Cool.

Do not crowd the stage during the final moments of the marriage. I would like to see the expression of the couple and not your bare back. And throw the bloody rice on the couple... Not on everybody in the front row. Please.

Do not…I repeat…DO NOT point to a girl and try to fix me up. I have been to the ball park and struck out more times than you bought a ticket… Wait… that didn’t come out right.. I mean, I’ll let you know when I am ready. So back off!

Do not let me know what you did in your age. We know what to do, and seriously, imagining you running behind girls can be a little weird.. and we got a better use for our imaginations.

Please let me enjoy the wedding and not recount it in albums. I would appreciate it if you did not send me on chores that are already completed or easily done by someone else.

If you are really hungry, hit the lunch line before. Do not wait for the last moment and then try to get into my line. I won’t allow that. And Ramu don’t share food!!

To the Groom

Dude, you know you are gonna be shirtless for the day in a southie wedding. So hit the gym… and shave.. Please… you will be thanked for sparing our eyes the sight…

Smile. We understand people can be a little embarrassing and the veshti is tough to handle. Be Cool.

Try to do whatever the priest asks you to do and get it right on the first try. Please, we got to get to the lunch line before they run out of jangris.

Don’t ask me what do I do when someone ‘tells’ you to do something. I don’t know. Haven’t been there, not done that.

To the bride

Please smile. Your parents would like to know that they are making the right decision. It is reassuring. Believe me.

Go easy on the bridal makeup. You are gonna be sitting in front of the fire anyway. I’ve seen brides who look like they were caked with powder.

Do not give the groom grimacing looks. Poor guy is embarrassed already.

Well, what do I say… it was your call. So take it on the chin and bear it.

Delegate. You cannot be everywhere all the time. If there are people pushing your buttons, you are within your rights to tell them ‘Go fish’ (other unacceptable words included)

Do not judge family loyalty based on people attending the wedding. This is a family, not the mafia (which is also a family, anyway).

We understand, these are pressure filled days. Try kickboxing, Tai chi or yoga. Do not use me as the transferred epithet.

Do not play politics. Do not take centre stage. The kids need to take over this time. ;)

Other than this, I am fine with weddings as long as it is not mine. Iceman, you my brother and I am happy that you are making this step. Have a good one dude.. Hope I get to enjoy it more than you do.. J

All opinions expressed in this blog are solely mine. If you find them offensive or disturbing.. Heck! Like I give a damn! :P

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LeonineStride said...

Dude !! why are the sisters and brothers of the couple left out of your blog ??!!! You definitely have somethign for them to DO or NOT TO DO ;) spill the beans bro ;)

Houdini said...

@leonine stride : well, they are gonna be the supervisors.. and i speak from their point of view... and they have other tasks like roaming around, wasting time etc....

Anonymous said...

This is sweet. I so do agree on the bridal make-up part. Even more embarassing than the caked look is the drippy look with some of the make up just melting away:))

roshan said...

this has apparently been the funniest blog post I've seen from you. A fabulous way to expressing your views on marriage. I'd be glad to see all of you at the marriage. :)

Asha said...

Good one again! ..Especially liked the ones about family loyalty, politics and complaints ..haha