Sunday, June 26, 2011

Emptiness All Around

Days blend into hours blend into days blend into minutes blend into seconds and vanish beyond the rounded corners of the mind. I stare emptily into the spaces vacated by people, still bearing traces of their presence. Somehow life has changed all around me. Surprised? No. I am not. But I feel like a new kid to school. I do not like it, but I cannot change it. My job is good. I have no complaints. People are good. No complaints. Home feels like home. NO Complaints. Then what is it that bothers me? What is that sense of emptiness that clouds my brain? Why do I feel like screaming my lungs out where no one can listen to? Something is missing. I don’t know what.

My days begin in sleep and end in unpleasant wakefulness. I roll around in my covers waiting for the sun to come up. My eyes are getting sorer by the day. Hunger creeps into my brain when it has exhausted all other sources of feeling. And yet, every feeling is somewhat incomplete. My friends think I am weird. Heck, I think I am weird. Who wouldn’t? A single guy with a habit of  loneliness. Its like I am Rip Van Winkle. The world has changed around me and I am ill equipped to handle it.

People say I worry too much about myself. True. I worry that someday I might not be who I could be. Someday I would stare at the mirror and find another underachiever. I have a fear of anonymity. And yet I hate fame. My father fights me for his pride. My mother nags that I am lazy. My friends mock that I am morose. I, myself, have no idea what I am. Confusing, is it? welcome to my world.

That’s ok. Don’t sympathise with me. I hate that. I’d rather walk alone on an empty road when the whole world around me sleeps in oblivion. Or climb a mountain and stare at the empty skies around me. Their huge white void seeping into eternity. And hope that something out there gives me an answer to my life. Till then, I walk. 

1 comment:

Usha Narayanan said...

Your sense of emptiness makes me think of this piece on the Death Valley, US where the author said "silence feels like a physical weight on one's ears".
Pretty random, I know. But thought I would share anyways.